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Hi there, Merideth Hite Estevez, the creator of Artists for Joy Podcast. If this is your first time listening, hi, hey, hello, and welcome! You have tuned into one of our bonus episodes that happen every other week. These bite-sized episodes offer you a chance to reflect more deeply on the topic we covered in the full-length episode before this one, giving you some coaching questions or an exercise or visualization to take the content and apply it to your own life. I also feature some of the music from the episode too for your listening pleasure.
Last week’s episode was called Shame resilience, and in it, I discussed the 4 steps towards becoming resilient to shame, per Brené brown. If you haven’t heard that one yet, take a moment to pause and go back one in the feed, so this will make the most sense.
Before we dive into a little creative pep talk for when you’re feeling shame, I wanted to share two listener comments from last week's episode I received via email:
One listener said: I listened as I talked myself into doing morning stretches –– which, thank goodness, I am motivated to do out of love and care for my body and its mobility issues, rather than shame. (I am very grateful my relationship to exercise got transformed in this way despite the chronic pain that led to this) Anyway, just a note of appreciation!
Thank you so much for listening. And this listener brings up a really good point–look deeply at the motivation behind your actions. Are you being motivated by shame to do something? Maybe that’s one of the reasons you don’t love it, or it drains you or burns you out. So thanks for that reminder.
Another person said: OMG, thank you for saying what you said. I am a fellow Juilliard grad who was deeply affected by what I like to call shame pedagogy. A way of teaching that using shame as a motivator. I’m working on healing from that and was so encouraged by your applying Brown’s research to artists. Feeling a little less alone. thanks
Whew, you are so welcome. It means so much to me when you write in, even just to say “me too” or that you found something meaningful. It helps me feel less alone, so thanks to everyone who shared and commented, and sent DMs.
Now, today I am going to give you a little creative pep, and share some things I am saying to myself these days in the face of shame that has been helping me.
Today's music features me playing oboe with Jani parsons on piano, as well as Amy Gustafson and Jani Parsons playing some solo works for piano, all the music of Claude Debussy. By the way, if you don’t know, we have a playlist of all the music we feature on the pod on Spotify so click the link in the show notes for that.
I will be back next week with another full-length episode; until then, take good care.
I want you to start by taking a few really nice breaths. Breathe out very slowly as you listen to this next part. If you don’t yet believe what I am saying, imagine holding my words in your open palms, considering them, and letting them invite you to listen to what they have to say.
You are not your mistakes or shortcomings. It might seem so clear to you how you have failed, or it may be murky and shape-shifty like an object in the fog, but however you feel about not having lived up to your own or someone else's expectations, let’s separate those feelings from a fact…you are loved and loveable. You are not defined by what you do or do not do. You are more than how you perform or whether or not people tell you you are amazing or if your work sells. That is not who you are. Your value is nonnegotiable and is not up for debate. It is already secured and locked into place, and nothing you can do can erase the truth about your belovedness. And if you are one who is often repeating to himself or herself… I am not good enough, or that thing I made or did was just not good enough; I want you to take a deep breath with me, and as you inhale, breathe in the truth that your value is not determined by your output. I know many of you who listen. I know there are folks struggling with job loss, relationships ending, infertility, and illness. It is hard enough to go through that, and then on top of the grief and loss and fears you feel around those traumatic events, you then feel shame about getting fired or not being able to make your marriage work or birth a child from your own body, and friends, first let me say that your pain and disappointment, resentment, anger, frustration…all that is valid and real. And you are not inherently flawed. Nothing is irretrievably wrong about your character or your playing or your body, or your creative work. Feeling BAD about FEELING BAD is serving no one and will not fix what you are facing; in fact, studies have shown that people who try to be perfect are actually some of the least productive people. They procrastinate or paralyze themselves with fear of not being good enough. So join me as I name the shame out loud for what it is, the lie that tells us something is wrong with us at our core, to release that so we can get down to the real business of grieving, healing, taking action, moving past the mistake to make things right if I need to. As you listen to the music, breathe out shame and breathe in love.